Radiation Sessions

First Day of Radiation

 Radiation treatment at the Dunn Towers began this morning. To be honest, I freaked two times with the onset of the mask. The radiologist insisting additional calming meds gave me the 'oomph' to go into a deep breathing mode to calm myself down. After the removal of the mask it shrank as it dried. The mask felt so tight on my face, it was mashing down my nose making me even more claustrophobic. 

On the third attempt, I had enough courage for the snaps to stay bolted down to the table - it is a table, not a bed. In fact, it is a very hard table designed especially for radiation – color coded. Artistic looking table with a steel frame. 

My daughter, Monique, is designing special songs for my radiation treatment. Isn't she sweet? It'll make my time spent on the bed of steel, strapped and snapped down, a little bit easier to endure.

Onward I go…'Ho Ho Ho.'

  
Star Dust

heart's desire
sired us
but can stardust
cure the virus
that the spirits
gave a meaning
while my head
was dreaming
screaming in
a frame mainly
chained I was
forced to lie
myself awake
she tells me when
they make mistakes
people die in here

Second Day of Radiation

For a while now, I have been frightened to go out and about with all the colds and sicknesses going around in the crowds.  The thought of being ill during my radiation treatments – under the mask - keeps me continuously dousing my hands with sanitizer.  Thoughts of a stuffy nose or a hacking cough wearing the mask sends chills of dread down my spine - rather be safe than sorry.

For years, the traditional handshake eliminated from greeting others always requires an explanation. I have gotten many strange looks during this time. But that is okay! I get queasy with the thought of where or what the hand touched before being extended for me to shake. Being a germ phobic is part of my D.N.A.. In addition, I am proud to say that all these years (even with immune deficiency disorder) head colds and viruses have eluded me until now. Saying now because one of my doctors explained to me that Orbital MALT Lymphoma is a cancer caused by a virus or bacteria. Other doctors say that it is a genetic cancer. Time will tell.

My hubby has a different viewpoint on going into the world and has insisted 'it does the body good.'  After two days with radiation and a metal taste in my mouth, he is more concerned with nutrition. He thinks every day after treatment, a nutritional bite to eat is more important than worries about issues that may never happen. I am trying to agree, even if I am hesitant.

My nurse weighs me in every day during appointment time and today noticed a 3-lb drop since yesterday. Do not know if it is because when nervous, food thoughts disappear or the metallic taste in my mouth or the radiation itself.

During the radiation, I see bright flashing lights and hear the radiation with an automatic machine gun sound. Sometimes a high pitch, the other times it is a low sound, always-rapid sounds go through your head. The bed moves into position, x-rays given to Dr. Blanco to study, and then another session starts. As I have said before, the bed is made of steel and very hard. Even the headrest is rock solid making laying down flat very uncomfortable.

I am feeling worse today. Tired and my ears are hurting. A friend says that is a sign to alert the doctor to guaranty no hearing loss - first on my agenda of questions. Even though my eye is sore and a headache from wearing the mask, I am feeling optimistic...no upset stomach or a dizzy head.

I am so thankful for my family and friends for keeping me in their prayers!

Third Day of Radiation

Radiation caught-up with me today. On a positive note: the sweets I am baking for Christmas don't appeal to my taste buds. Guess it will keep the sugary calories at bay. I will have 3 days off for the holidays, returning for radiation therapy on Tuesday. I'm hoping my taste buds and stomach settles down to enjoy the Christmas meal.

Have a Merry Christmas! Love to all! xoxo

Second Week of Radiation

The holidays postponed my treatment until Tuesday. On Christmas day, the food tasted delicious and I ate slowly, but an hour later, it did not stay down. I have found drinking beverages helps the queasiness and for some reason orange juice settles my stomach - so does nibbling on ginger cookies.

I was dreading going back under the mask. Once again, I panicked and the radiologist team was patient, waiting for the fear to subside. I have found taking my calming meds one hour before arriving at the hospital works better than thirty minutes before treatment. I am calmer arriving and during the mask treatment.

My fears has lessened since receiving an iPod Nano for Christmas. Timing the songs with the length of the treatment is actually helping. The scariest part is hearing the snaps go into place and footsteps leaving you all alone in the treatment room. It is a helpless feeling. Keeping the mind busy with the sound of music makes it more tolerable.

As the week went on...I got braver. Hopefully, this coming week, it'll be a piece of cake to snap 'n go without a care in the world.

This poem is dedicated to the friends I have met recently. Some have lost all their hair...even a child. Keep them in your prayers!

No One 

Author: Mary Winton - Trimar

No one said it was going to be easy
No one said it was going to be fair
No one said it was going to be breezy
But they did say I would lose my hair

No one said I would ever be pretty
No one said I would ever be smart
No one said I would ever be witty
But they do say I have a good heart

No one said that there wouldn’t be crying
No one said that there wouldn’t be fears
No one said that there wouldn’t be trying
But they did say I’d be around for years

No one said that the doctor is right
No one said that the doctor is wrong
No one said that the doctor is trite
But they do say you have to be strong

No one knows what tomorrow will show
No one knows what next week will unfold
No one knows what will happen in an hour from now
But they did say you now have control

Third Week of Radiation 

 

This week it seems that every time I become still, I fall asleep – very tired. In the car, coming home from the treatments is naptime and I have to fight to stay awake. Sometimes, I feel a presence and look out from beneath the electric blanket and it's my husband checking to see if I am still alive and kicking. Ha-ha.  Smile and nod back to sleep. Guess it the time to get sleep nourishment for healing.

My appetite increased over the weekend but after the second day of radiation, it once again declined and only certain foods calmed the queasiness. For Christmas, my husband received a Yonanas that makes fruit the texture of soft-serve ice cream. I have found the taste so inviting! Knowing that I am eating healthy during treatment is a bonus when snacking. I urge everyone to try the machine! It's delicious!

I have met so many wonderful people during treatment time. We sit down and wait for our appointment call while doing our best to finish a large puzzle in the waiting area. Everyone knows exactly how many sessions the other has to finish and it's always a countdown. If it's the last few days, it's hands-up time. During this time, I have met a wonderful woman fighting breast cancer with so much spirit; it has made my sickness seem so small in comparison. Friday was her last day and I will miss her not being there but at the same time, so ecstatic that her prognosis is excellent for recovering. There is one thing about surviving cancer, it creates a bond with others fighting and succeeding to beat the disease. You walk away knowing, 'hope.'

Good news! The radiation treatment has decreased the size of the tumor- it is now less than half the size. I have seen a little thinning of my bangs. Keeping fingers crossed that it stays intact. Dr. Blanco has repeatedly stated that my hair may thin with minimum hair loss. 

I'm still not a fan of the mask. Was hoping through time, the feel of the hard plastic material and familiarity of the snapping sounds to the table would create a security blanket bond but 'nope.' With the assistance of my daughter, and when the treatment is all over, I'm going to have fun decorating the mask. Lately, I have wondered if the finished design of the mask will be scary or sweet. 'Hmmm, we will see.' Will definitely post the final design – stay tuned.

God Heals

Remember when you heard the words -
and your mind went blank - you were in another world
God heals
Remember in your darkest hours -
when all that surrounds you is pain and sorrow
God heals
Remember friends' prayers - your family's encouragement
- glimmers of hope from everyday angels
God heals
Quiet...you can hear Him now -
always there - yet never this close
God heals
It's just another day -